one year.

i think what kills me the most is that when i close my eyes i can feel you all around me, but when i open them you aren't here. its just me alone in my room. i see the same bare walls, and the same empty sheets. i see the clothes i was too lazy to throw in the hamper, and the empty water bottles i was too lazy to throw in the trash. sometimes i think about how hard the next year could be, but try to push that as far away from my head as possible. i don't want to be that selfish kid who pouts because things won't go exactly the way i want them to. so instead of thinking, i may just sit here and stare out of the window. i think i like the rain so much because it keeps people inside their homes, so when i look outside i see the world without it being cluttered with people i don't know, and will probably never know. sometimes i wish it would just pour every day so i could just sit and watch it fall. i could hide from the rest of the world, but still sit and watch from a safe distance. voyeuristic tendencies that don't involve one single person. i picture the two of us together on our porch one day, watching the rain together. you wrapped in a blanket and curled up as close to me as possible. im writing my novel, but taking a break every once in a while to kiss the top of your head and tell you how much i love you. just because it can't happen right now, doesn't mean it won't. i love having something to look forward to.

wrote you a goodbye note (you just wrote me off)

i have been sitting here wasting my day on wasted words you used to say to me. when we met, you forgot to tell me that one day i would probably hate you. maybe i should have read the fine print, but my eyes were strained from watching you so closely. not in a "you're up to something" way, more like "she's working the room and she knows it". it usually takes three shots before i have enough nerve to make eye contact.(my confidence always sits at 1/4 of a tank) maybe this night i should have looked anywhere else. i should have found any other pair of eyes. but i found yours. you had me under lock and key in seconds. i froze. you smirked. i looked away. you walked towards me. from that point on its all a blur of blonde hair, smoke, the taste of vodka, moving hands and muffled words. sometimes i think its the alcohol that attracted you to me, and the comfort that kept you around. to be honest, i(t) never really felt right.

When i start to think i couldn't possibly love this girl any more than I already do, i spend two days with her and fall even harder.
June will not come fast enough.
I just know August will come too fast.

"the truth is i am going to miss you so much more than i could ever let on"

im okay. really.

maybe is something about feeling okay that really doesn't make me feel okay at all. i guess im just used to being on my toes, and trying to make the best of the worst. but everything is perfect. i just keep telling myself its alright to feel good and be happy. its doesn't mean something bad is around the corner. sometimes i can be completely crazy and irrational. its nice to have someone that understand thats, and will sit and wait out my crazy moments and not make it feel like a burden. i think what makes that better is the fact that she has her crazy moments too. have you ever felt like you were made for someone else? i have had a good number of girls come in and out of my life, and i did everything i could to keep them happy, but what i have learned recently is that it shouldn't take any "work" to make it work. It just works. well, when you are with someone that is right for you. i just wish i had seen it earlier. i wish i hadn't wasted so much time on girls that don't deserve a second of my time. its alright though, it all comes full circle eventually. and when it does, ill just be there laughing, then ill call this perfect girl i'm with, just to tell her how much i love her.

i would give anything to kiss her face and make sure she knows how beautiful she is to me.

things that have been making me smile

-samantha
- knowing that she loves me as much as i love her
-dane cook
-flight of the conchords
-green tea with melon
-myspace comments
-new socks
-awesome roommates
-birthday parties
-motivation
-One Tree Hill
-writing



life is awesome right now. and it will only get better from here. =)

today has been a really weird day for me, and im not sure why. its like i have a lot on my mind i guess. saw a face i really didn't care to see, i guess thats what threw me off. but im not letting it get me down. after all, its just a picture of a person i used to know. or thought i did at least. its hump day, and im not even the slightest bit excited. all im looking forward to is this weekend. i know i have been talking about it a lot, but i can't help it. if you're tired of hearing about it, then id just stay away from here, myspace and Facebook. well, my pages i mean. this afternoon is going slow as hell. i need something to get me out of this funk. i need a call from her.

if you were wondering why i like you, its not because of your eyes, although they are quite amazing. Its not because of your smile, although its more addictive than any drug i have ever tried. it's not because of your body, although i think its perfect, and would give anything to have a few hours alone with you just so i can explore every inch. It's not because of personality, although i've yet to meet someone that really gets me as much as you do. It's not even because every time i tell you that i love you, i can tell you are smiling when you say it back. Or when i stare are you, and you cover your face because you don't enjoy being stared at, you always sneak a peek back at me. I like you because no one has ever made me feel the way you do. No one has ever told me how much i mean to them as frequently as you do. Its like you don't want to risk me going one day without knowing that you love me with everything you have. And i love it because i feel the exact same way. And there hasn't been one day in the last few years that you didn't cross my mind at some point. so this is what its like to really mean something to someone.

"not long ago, i gave up hope. but you came along and gave me something i could hold on to."

just in case you're keeping track...

Yes this is a new blog with *some* of the same posts as my other one. thats why it says i posted all of them today. im deleting the other one.


this one is the real deal, kids.

hope

Robert H, Goddard once wrote; “It’s difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday, is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.” Hope is a word that I have heard used my entire life. I use it on a daily basis, never really putting a lot of thought into what it really is that I am saying. What is “hope”? Webster defines hope as “to cherish a desire with anticipation” To cherish a desire. Now, in most cases, when I use the term “hope”, it’s usually used in a very casual way. “I hope there isn’t traffic on my way home from work.” “I hope this dinner is good.” Sure, those are things that you would like to work out in your favor, but where does desire fit in anywhere? When I hear the word desire, I think a longing for something or someone. I imagine an almost overwhelming need for something to happen. Where’s the passion? When did words become so overused and thrown around to where they are slowly losing their true, proper meaning? Keep in mind, there are numerous words that I feel are being subject to the same misuse and slow demise, but the whole idea of hope is something that hits pretty close to home for me. You see, hope is, what I think, has kept me going these last 24 years. And I say that, but don’t assume that it was a choice I made as a child to be a hopeful little boy and always assume that if I hope and wish for the best, that it would come true. That’s not really the case at all. Hope was just all I had. For me, having ideas and dreams is what kept my focus away from the reality of life. It’s human nature to want your life to go perfect, and have the best of everything. I’m not being selfish, or greedy, but you see others with things you don’t have and you can’t understand why, nor do you have the means to do anything about it sometimes. But there is that one thing that you do have, hope. For me, it has never been just a word. I have had the desire that Webster decided was important enough to be used in the definition the word. As I’ve grown older, situations have changed. My views on life have changed. I have matured. But no matter what, I still find myself hoping for something. Hoping I get a great job, hoping to meet the girl of my dreams. Hoping to get the motivation to finish school and start a career. Even though the caliber of what I’m hoping for had changed since I was younger, the idea is still the same. And the desire has become more and more evident. Sometimes, I start to get tired of just hoping for something to happen. I am tired of hoping for things to look up and go my way. At what point will the desire be too much to where I am not just holding on to the idea of “hope” and just start making it my reality. I guess I am the only person who can really answer that. Or maybe I just need to pay a little closer attention to Mr. Goddard’s words. The DREAM of yesterday is the HOPE of today and the REALITY of tomorrow. I think the only thing he left out is, once your dream becomes the hope of today, it’s YOUR job to make it a reality tomorrow.

I woke up feeling even more lost and alone than I was when I went to sleep. Maybe its a sign, and baby, we all know I'm a bad one. But I'm holding on to one thing these days. The feeling of your lips against mine. I just think about that electricity and how alive it made me feel. Sitting there with my hand in yours. Call me crazy, but I think one of our hearts either sped up or slowed down just so they would be beating in the same perfect time. It was one of those moments that even from the first second, you know if isnt going to last as long as you need it to, but long enough to make an imprint in your memory that will never be filled by anything else. No other thought, no other feeling, nothing. Its amazing that I can look around at this world and all 6 billion or more of its inhabitants, and know that you are one of the only constants I will have in my lifetime. I don't use the term bestfriend lightly. Nor do I use the term love in the same way. When I say no one will ever get us, I mean that. And I just chalk every question, assumtion, and judgement from everyone else up to ignorance because it's not their fault. I feel like I have made a friend for life, and I don't want anything to change that.I don't know how things are going to play out in the next couple of years, but I know that no matter what you will be there for me. I love you.

I don't even know what it is I'm wanting to say to you. I don't even know how to put it into words. I knew how amazing it would be close to you, but I had no idea (i)t would feel like this. I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm gone and this dream ends. I have never hated distance as much as I do right now. I just want you to know that you make me smile like nothing else. I want this to work. I hope you do too.

This is going to be an amazing christmas.


I hope she knows how much she means to me. =)

there's this girl that makes my heart skip beats. she gives me butterflies in my stomach. she makes me smile, even when i don't want to.



she's the best, and we all know i don't deserve this.



"there is one person on this planet that i would love to lay on a curb with and count on the stars."

she knows who she is.

For some odd reason, I feel the best when I'm not making assumtions about you. When I'm not thinking, and just living. Maybe I wasn't cut out for any of this. Maybe I will be laughing at myself when I read this in the morning. I'm sorry this is so hard for me. I'm just trying to adjust to a new me. I have feelings, I just don't know where they are hiding. I wish you got me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about you anymore. But you know me so you knew that. I guess what I'm trying to say is I want my bright eyes back. Well, the one I fell in love with a year ago...

i hope you know how much i love you.




i wish you could read this sometimes.

after my last post...

i heard this song by The Classic Crime called "When the time comes".

" Why do we always say we're fine, when it's obvious we're lying? Why don't we ever tell the truth, what do we got to lose?"



exactly what i was thinking. =)

Standard Lines

Today I was thinking about how when ever someone asks me "how are you doing" I almost always say "I'm doing pretty good." Whether that's how I am or not, I always say that. And I know, it most cases its just a casual friendly question that's really rhetorical but people answer anyway with a casual friendly response.
"I'm doing Pretty good."
How many times have I slipped that tiny little lie to people? Sure, we all do it. Its not one of those lies that really matter. But if its such a small lie, then why even do it? Because no one wants to hear how you really feel. It has just become so standard that its casually asked and answered so much that sometimes you don't even really notice the exchange of words has even been made. Maybe you are walking into work and pass a co worker. Chances are, its going to happen. In some cases, the whole thing will happen in passing while walking down the hall. You don't slow down, you hardly make eye contact, and you keep on your way.
Here's where I'm going with this. If it is so casual and so standard and really unneeded, then why do we even waste our time? Sometimes people ask me how I'm doing, and there's a million things going on in my life. A million things I would kill to get off my chest.
"I'm doing pretty good"
The next time someone asks me how I'm doing, I think I'm going to be a little more honest. Because either two things could happen.
1. They will stop asking me if they don't really want to know.
Or
2. I may have someone new to talk to about stuff.

Maybe none of this will make sense in the morning. Oh well. You still read it.

I wish I had a better grasp on things.

I wish she knew how much I love her.

I wish she felt the same way.

I hope everything works out next weekend.


I need it.
I'm glad I have her.
I hope she knows that.

girls

Its always the little things to me. If I move, I miss little details of the previous place. If its relationships, after a while its the same. (After you deal with the heartbreak) ill miss little things the girl would do or say. Quirks I guess. One girl used to say "ill be over here when you decide to love me" and roll over when I made her mad. (never serious) another one had a pout face that always worked. No matter what. I think one of the things ill miss about the latest is how she would hug my arm into her chest when we would sleep. Or how she used to text me "good morning!" with a smiley face.

I want a girl that will sit and sing along to the dashboard confessional unplugged dvd and hold my hand. I want a girl that will want to take a million "myspace pictures". I want a girl that will drink dark beer with me. I want a girl that loves every bit of me like I do her.

Where's SHE at?

11-30-07

i have always had a bad habit of looking down. some blame it on bad posture. some say you look down because you don't like looking at the world around you. i think the second one is a little more accurate. i would constantly look up if i could, but that would make walking almost impossible, well, without running into something at least. to this day, if i ever catch myself looking towards the ground, and i'm not on my phone, i make it a point to look up and around. even if i end up putting it back down again, at least i have some knowledge of my surroundings.

its been a weird couple of days. you sort have to really know me to understand why. i don't do break ups well. it doesn't matter how long or short the relationship is. i get hurt really easily. can't help it. but its so different this time. i haven't cried once. and to be honest, i can't even tell you if i will(can). she seems upset, but its hard to tell. she's isn't very open with her emotions like i am. i tried to tell her to not even worry about me. there are things going on in her life far more important than me. im not selfish, at least i hope im not. part of me wants some kind of resolution, closure i guess. but i don't think ill ever get it out of her. i don't know if this is forever. i guess time will tell me that one.

as of right now, im just counting down the days until next Friday.


oh, by the way, Happy Eleven Months, Bright Eyes.

i blame myself.

not just got getting my hopes up, but for letting my guard down.

fists are back up.

i will pound these keys with everything i have to prove my point.

i don't play games.


i also don't change stories.

im only acting okay most of the time. saving thoughts and ideas for a more convenient time. right now is the exact opposite of perfect. from "i had a great time with you tonight" to "i love you so much babe" to nothing at all. what am i supposed to believe?

i really hate feeling ignorant.

it looks like you made you decision, and i made my bed but i'm the only person laying in it. my sheets are cold and i feel hollow and broken.

(hugging a pillow doesn't make me feel the way hugging you does)

sometimes i feel like a stranger in my own body. i promise myself its easy to just forget.
you promised me things would be different.

another day without you and i still feel like i'm dying. how are you so okay? how does it not feel like your world has been falling down all around you? can you lay in bed and get to sleep with no problem and not one thought of me going through your mind? i know you don't even want to talk to me, but at least let me know your secret. i feel like i'm learning to live again.


i miss you, kid.

i'm counting down the days until i don't want to see your face. it has been pretty easy. no lurking around. i guess when you really don't want to know something you will make it a point to not find out. sometimes i just want to laugh at myself. i mean seriously, i sound ridiculous.

ill break my thumbs before i text you.
ill slit my throat before i tell you what im thinking.
if there was a degree for breaking hearts, you'd have your doctorate.



"life as of late: i usually like to get kissed before i feel fucked."

you make me weak in the knees.



i usually tell my own secrets, but this one is staying locked away.



maybe one day you'll tell me you feel the same.



until then im going to keep a strong grip on my heart.


i don't know why i want to give it away again, the glue hasnt even dried yet.

And its exactly how you would expect it to be. Over a week deep and I feel good. Its confusing, but that just how it goes. I wonder what(if anything) you want to say to me. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and take my chances. But I won't. Ill keep my mouth shut for another day. After awhile, everything starts sounding the same. Faces start looking the same. Its either that, or I just don't pay attention. Either way, its not a big deal. This is just how I feel today, so please try and not hold it against me tomorrow. There's a good chance none of this will make sense anyway. Sorry if I just repeat myself. Ill be done soon.

today may be the day i finally break. i have been holding up so well. playing it as cool as i can, keep positive thoughts, but today i feel more alone than i have in a long time. sometimes, there are things that you need that friends and relatives can't help with. sometimes you just need someone there that cares, and not just because they have to. i want to see your face. i want to hear your voice. i want to hold you hand. if i had known it was going to be the last time i kissed you, i would have made it one i wouldn't ever forget. but i didn't know. now I'm just stuck here with a few regrets and a heart that isn't even close to being fixed. just because I'm acting fine, doesn't mean i am fine. i just don't want you to see me at my worst again. for now, ill just keep looking over at my phone, hoping to get a text from you...