one year.

i think what kills me the most is that when i close my eyes i can feel you all around me, but when i open them you aren't here. its just me alone in my room. i see the same bare walls, and the same empty sheets. i see the clothes i was too lazy to throw in the hamper, and the empty water bottles i was too lazy to throw in the trash. sometimes i think about how hard the next year could be, but try to push that as far away from my head as possible. i don't want to be that selfish kid who pouts because things won't go exactly the way i want them to. so instead of thinking, i may just sit here and stare out of the window. i think i like the rain so much because it keeps people inside their homes, so when i look outside i see the world without it being cluttered with people i don't know, and will probably never know. sometimes i wish it would just pour every day so i could just sit and watch it fall. i could hide from the rest of the world, but still sit and watch from a safe distance. voyeuristic tendencies that don't involve one single person. i picture the two of us together on our porch one day, watching the rain together. you wrapped in a blanket and curled up as close to me as possible. im writing my novel, but taking a break every once in a while to kiss the top of your head and tell you how much i love you. just because it can't happen right now, doesn't mean it won't. i love having something to look forward to.

wrote you a goodbye note (you just wrote me off)

i have been sitting here wasting my day on wasted words you used to say to me. when we met, you forgot to tell me that one day i would probably hate you. maybe i should have read the fine print, but my eyes were strained from watching you so closely. not in a "you're up to something" way, more like "she's working the room and she knows it". it usually takes three shots before i have enough nerve to make eye contact.(my confidence always sits at 1/4 of a tank) maybe this night i should have looked anywhere else. i should have found any other pair of eyes. but i found yours. you had me under lock and key in seconds. i froze. you smirked. i looked away. you walked towards me. from that point on its all a blur of blonde hair, smoke, the taste of vodka, moving hands and muffled words. sometimes i think its the alcohol that attracted you to me, and the comfort that kept you around. to be honest, i(t) never really felt right.

When i start to think i couldn't possibly love this girl any more than I already do, i spend two days with her and fall even harder.
June will not come fast enough.
I just know August will come too fast.

"the truth is i am going to miss you so much more than i could ever let on"

im okay. really.

maybe is something about feeling okay that really doesn't make me feel okay at all. i guess im just used to being on my toes, and trying to make the best of the worst. but everything is perfect. i just keep telling myself its alright to feel good and be happy. its doesn't mean something bad is around the corner. sometimes i can be completely crazy and irrational. its nice to have someone that understand thats, and will sit and wait out my crazy moments and not make it feel like a burden. i think what makes that better is the fact that she has her crazy moments too. have you ever felt like you were made for someone else? i have had a good number of girls come in and out of my life, and i did everything i could to keep them happy, but what i have learned recently is that it shouldn't take any "work" to make it work. It just works. well, when you are with someone that is right for you. i just wish i had seen it earlier. i wish i hadn't wasted so much time on girls that don't deserve a second of my time. its alright though, it all comes full circle eventually. and when it does, ill just be there laughing, then ill call this perfect girl i'm with, just to tell her how much i love her.

i would give anything to kiss her face and make sure she knows how beautiful she is to me.

things that have been making me smile

-samantha
- knowing that she loves me as much as i love her
-dane cook
-flight of the conchords
-green tea with melon
-myspace comments
-new socks
-awesome roommates
-birthday parties
-motivation
-One Tree Hill
-writing



life is awesome right now. and it will only get better from here. =)

today has been a really weird day for me, and im not sure why. its like i have a lot on my mind i guess. saw a face i really didn't care to see, i guess thats what threw me off. but im not letting it get me down. after all, its just a picture of a person i used to know. or thought i did at least. its hump day, and im not even the slightest bit excited. all im looking forward to is this weekend. i know i have been talking about it a lot, but i can't help it. if you're tired of hearing about it, then id just stay away from here, myspace and Facebook. well, my pages i mean. this afternoon is going slow as hell. i need something to get me out of this funk. i need a call from her.

if you were wondering why i like you, its not because of your eyes, although they are quite amazing. Its not because of your smile, although its more addictive than any drug i have ever tried. it's not because of your body, although i think its perfect, and would give anything to have a few hours alone with you just so i can explore every inch. It's not because of personality, although i've yet to meet someone that really gets me as much as you do. It's not even because every time i tell you that i love you, i can tell you are smiling when you say it back. Or when i stare are you, and you cover your face because you don't enjoy being stared at, you always sneak a peek back at me. I like you because no one has ever made me feel the way you do. No one has ever told me how much i mean to them as frequently as you do. Its like you don't want to risk me going one day without knowing that you love me with everything you have. And i love it because i feel the exact same way. And there hasn't been one day in the last few years that you didn't cross my mind at some point. so this is what its like to really mean something to someone.

"not long ago, i gave up hope. but you came along and gave me something i could hold on to."