one year.

i think what kills me the most is that when i close my eyes i can feel you all around me, but when i open them you aren't here. its just me alone in my room. i see the same bare walls, and the same empty sheets. i see the clothes i was too lazy to throw in the hamper, and the empty water bottles i was too lazy to throw in the trash. sometimes i think about how hard the next year could be, but try to push that as far away from my head as possible. i don't want to be that selfish kid who pouts because things won't go exactly the way i want them to. so instead of thinking, i may just sit here and stare out of the window. i think i like the rain so much because it keeps people inside their homes, so when i look outside i see the world without it being cluttered with people i don't know, and will probably never know. sometimes i wish it would just pour every day so i could just sit and watch it fall. i could hide from the rest of the world, but still sit and watch from a safe distance. voyeuristic tendencies that don't involve one single person. i picture the two of us together on our porch one day, watching the rain together. you wrapped in a blanket and curled up as close to me as possible. im writing my novel, but taking a break every once in a while to kiss the top of your head and tell you how much i love you. just because it can't happen right now, doesn't mean it won't. i love having something to look forward to.

wrote you a goodbye note (you just wrote me off)

i have been sitting here wasting my day on wasted words you used to say to me. when we met, you forgot to tell me that one day i would probably hate you. maybe i should have read the fine print, but my eyes were strained from watching you so closely. not in a "you're up to something" way, more like "she's working the room and she knows it". it usually takes three shots before i have enough nerve to make eye contact.(my confidence always sits at 1/4 of a tank) maybe this night i should have looked anywhere else. i should have found any other pair of eyes. but i found yours. you had me under lock and key in seconds. i froze. you smirked. i looked away. you walked towards me. from that point on its all a blur of blonde hair, smoke, the taste of vodka, moving hands and muffled words. sometimes i think its the alcohol that attracted you to me, and the comfort that kept you around. to be honest, i(t) never really felt right.

When i start to think i couldn't possibly love this girl any more than I already do, i spend two days with her and fall even harder.
June will not come fast enough.
I just know August will come too fast.

"the truth is i am going to miss you so much more than i could ever let on"